On Shame and Shaming

What were you thinking when you did that? There was little subtlety to my mother when it came to shaming her children. It wasn’t meant to be subtle. It was meant to be a birch switch.

I couldn’t answer her as a seven-year-old, barely on the cusp of the first inklings of moral reasoning, and I shouldn’t have had to. But today I'd be happy to attempt a response. 
 
Now I am an adult, and I have cognitive powers than I didn't possess at age seven. I have learned the value of hard self-inquiry. I have learned that I am not perfect, and though I am not required to be perfect, I have seen that it is possible to get better, and I want to get better. The shame that arises from my innate moral conscience helps me.
 
My dear mother was very adept at what is now called “shaming” and “guilting.” I know it came from the generations of orthodox religion that rested on her shoulders. It was also standard parenting practice in her time. I forgive her that. 
 
But she might be dismayed to see what has happened to the world. In North America certainly, the loose application of positive psychology has led many to believe that all sentiments of “shame” should be bypassed and avoided. Why? Because shame is uncomfortable. Even when it arises from our own thoughtful reflection, everything in our culture tells us that we should avoid discomfort. 
 
As a consequence we often avoid asking important questions of ourselves, and we deny ourselves meaningful insights that would lead us to greater wholeness and happiness. 
 
We need to make a distinction between shame and shaming. Shame is an emotion arising within us. Shaming is an activity of others who would seek to make us feel shame. Few people would advocate shaming. But shame itself can have moments of value. 
 
When we discover that we have acted or spoken in error, the shame that arises from our own moral conscience asks us to examine ourselves. This is eminently good. Self-examination leads to discovery, and discovery teaches us how to change for the better. It's hard to argue against becoming better.

Should we linger in shame and allow it to paralyze our will? Of course not. Once we have seen the error in our attitudes and behaviours, we should exercise the courage to fix things and move forward. It's what adults do. 

But we should never ignore an honest call to examine ourselves. When it's the voice of our own moral conscience, it can make us better people. 

* * * 

Note: If you struggle with chronic shame, it may be a sign of a much deeper issue that needs your attention. Don't be afraid to seek help from a professional counsellor, trusted spiritual advisor, or even the police if you face a present threat to your personal safety. It is not healthy or normal to live in constant shame, and no one deserves to.

Copyright © 2020 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved. 

Meditation: Calm your mind and your emotions

There have been worse crises in history. But the COVID-19 pandemic ranks pretty high.

Let’s be clear: Health workers and their patients face the toughest test everywhere in the world right now. 

The biggest problem for the rest of us is our own mental chatter. 

Our thoughts generate fear. Fear triggers the fight-or-flight response in our nervous system, and unless you are currently being chased by a Bengal tiger, this is not a useful response. It depresses your immune system, disrupts your relationships, muddles your thinking, and leads to poor decision-making. So you don’t want to succumb to fear.  

If you are suffering anxiety at present, or preoccupied with what the future may bring, you might want to try meditating. 

There are countless meditation techniques, but I will describe two simple approaches. 

First, Sit Comfortably Upright

1.     Start by finding a quiet space where you can sit without interruption. 

2.     Either sit normally on a chair, or if you prefer, sit with your legs crossed on your bed or sofa. (If you are sitting cross-legged, place a firm cushion or folded blanket under your seat, so your legs are somewhat lower than your tailbone.)

3.     Sit upright with your back straight. Not rigid and tense, but straight. 

4.     Draw your chin and head back, so your head is balanced on your shoulders and you are not straining to support your head. 

5.     Draw your shoulders back and rest your hands on top of your thighs, where your legs meet your hips. 

6.     Let your hands sit like two cups, palms facing upwards, fingers relaxed. 

Next, Practice 3-4 Calming Breaths

1.     Close your eyes and focus your attention at the point between your eyebrows.

2.     Start your meditation with 3-4 deep breaths as follows: 

3.     Inhale through your nose for a count of approximately 4-5 seconds. Imagine that you are inflating your belly first, then your lungs. 

4.     Hold the breath for approximately 5-8 seconds. As you hold the breath, tense all the muscles in your arms, legs, and abdomen. 

5.     Exhale the breath for a count of approximately 4-6 seconds, releasing the tension in your arms, legs, and abdomen as you exhale. 

6.     It is not important whether you exhale through your nose or your mouth. Do what feels comfortable to you.  

#1 Body Scan Meditation

1.     After the calming breaths, let your breathing find its own natural rhythm. You might feel comfortable continuing to inhale and exhale slowly, or you might feel comfortable breathing slightly faster. Follow what your body wants to do. 

2.     Begin your body scan by focusing your attention on the region below your belly button. What do you feel there? If there is tension, imagine that you are breathing “into” that place and releasing the tension. Maintain your attention and breathing there for one minute. 

3.     Next, put your attention on the region of your belly button. What do you feel there? If there is tension, breathe into it. Maintain your attention and breathing there for one minute. 

4.     Now put your attention on the region of your solar plexus, at the bottom of your chest sternum. Again, if you sense tension, breathe into it and feel yourself releasing it. Notice any tension in your shoulders at the same time. Do this for one minute. 

5.     Next, place your attention on your throat. Observe whether you feel any tightness there. Focus your breathing in that area for one minute. 

6.     Now focus your attention at the point between your eyebrows. If it helps to maintain your attention, imagine a small light there. Breathe into that point for one minute. 

7.     You have completed a basic body scan. You can stop meditating, or if you want to continue, you can do so. You can continue to focus on the point between your eyebrows, or you can revisit the other places that you already scanned. Follow what feels natural for you. 

#2 Self-Awareness Meditation

1.     This technique uses self-inquiry to help you to overcome major mental and emotional blockages and obsessions. You might feel a few of those presently. Repeat the body scan above, but now focus specifically on the places that hold the greatest tension.  

2.     As you focus on each location, ask yourself if there is an emotion attached to this tension. Is it fear? Anger? Sadness? Something else? 

3.     As you look at the emotion, you might become aware of other thoughts and feelings. You might feel uncomfortable. Try to continue. 

4.     What is the source of this emotion? Is it someone one you know? Is it a picture of your imagined future? Is it something else? 

5.     Breathe into that place of tension, releasing the emotion as you exhale. Forgive those whom you believe have hurt you. Visualize the future you desire. Send love to those you care about, whether they are living or passed on. 

6.     After your meditation, reflect on what you have discovered. What action can you take to create the best future? It could be anything. It could mean picking up groceries for an elderly neighbor. It might mean calling or texting a friend or relative to provide comfort at this time. It could simply mean making breakfast or doing the laundry. Take simple actions that are positive and helpful, despite any troubles that might be around you. 

Try to meditate at least once each day for a least 6-7 minutes. You might prefer to meditate in the morning, or the afternoon, or the evening, or all three. 

Three recommendations: Don’t meditate if you are overly tired, don’t meditate lying down, and try to meditate when your stomach isn’t too full. 

Meditation might feel difficult at first. Your attention will tend to wander on your first few attempts, but this is normal for everyone. 

Just imagine that you are going to the “gym” to exercise your mind. Give it a few days of regular practice. After a few days, you will find that it is steadily easier to meditate, and you will start to find greater calmness and clarity to face every difficulty that comes. 

Music and sound: 

To help your focus, and block unwanted noises, you might like to try meditating to music, nature sounds, or chanting. I like Relax Melodies for iPhone and iPad and Ambience for Android. 

Copyright © 2020 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved. 

Grassroots soccer: Message from the front lines

I want to share a great letter with you. It's all about kids having more fun than they've ever had playing soccer, and developing better skills at the same time.

The letter comes from a friend at Cochrane Minor Soccer (CMS) just west of Calgary, Canada. Her association has eliminated league play at U6 and U8 in favour of a "festival" style format along the general lines of FIFA Grassroots. Not surprisingly, for many parents at the club, it's a radical change from soccer programs they have known before.

Under the new program, the kids show up at the field, the coaches divide them into groups, and the players rotate through different stations to practice different skills before playing small-sided games. For the games, the coaches simply create impromptu teams using coloured bibs or "pinnies". The teams are different every week, even though the kids are always the same.

Sound wacky?

Why don't the kids simply play "real" soccer on "real" teams in a "real" league?

Well, apart from the fact that it's a bit nutty having U6 and U8 kids competing for league standings, CMS has seen how the festival approach is as real as it gets when it comes to delivering skill development and engagement for their younger players.

The association typically only has a few dozen kids spread between each age group, so it has always been a bit of a stretch to build sustainable recreational and competitive programs at each age. Ironically, they have even had to turn kids away occasionally and cut them through tryouts when the numbers haven't added up to form a "real" team.

Furthermore, the competitive teams have typically had to drive an hour to get to most of their games in greater Calgary. This has meant that 7-year-old kids have often spent two hours or more in a car just to play one hour of soccer. (And mom and dad have burned through buckets of gas through the course of the season.)

How was CMS developing soccer players by cutting kids and turning others away? How were the players learning skills by spending hours on the highway? CMS decided they could do better.  

CMS picked up a few new directors in 2013 who embraced the precepts of Long-Term Player Development (LTPD). After some animated discussion with the membership during the winter of 2013-14, and some consultation with external advisors (including this coach), they began implementing the new festival-style program in May 2014.

Suddenly, the entire universe had shifted. Kids at CMS were spending more time on the ball than they were in minivans.

What would happen to these poor kids? Where would all of this lead them? Here's a letter that pretty much says it all:

* * * * *
Hi Jim,

Just a quick email. My son played grassroots soccer tonight and it was the most entertaining and amazing evening of soccer! The skill development of the kids is wild - all U8 athletes. Coach Yo (one of our paid tech coaches who coaching our game this evening) took the ball at one point and threw it up in the air for fun. It bounced once and one of the boys did a World Cup roundhouse kick from midfield and the ball flew perfectly in the air and arched into the net. It was amazing - even Yo was shocked. The kids on the field all nicknamed the boy “Rocket Boy” for his amazing kick. Wish we had it on video as it was so amazing.

We had another play where my son kicked on net and the goalkeeper (a girl as we play coed) stopped the ball with her face. She was laughing after, and I praised her for the fact that she always steps in front of the ball.

Watching the fall athletes really does put things into perspective. We have these amazing athletes who are learning such great skill development through ETS’s (our tech company) tech drills, and they have so much fun putting it all together in a game.

The kids were having so much fun that no one on the field even kept score - the kids were so excited about all of the incredible plays that I didn’t hear one child comment on the score. Every child shot on goal and every child stopped a shot as they rotate all positions. Great passing and amazing soccer. 

The other thing I loved is when the coach yelled for a water break, all the kids ran off the field for water and ran back onto the field because they couldn’t wait to get back into the game. Awesome!

The future of CMS is very bright!

Best wishes,

Catherine

Contract for soccer parents

Some soccer parents are especially noisy on the sidelines at youth games. A rare few are even verbally abusive towards players, referees, other coaches, and other spectators. This is plain bad and wrong and there's not much more to say about that.

A far greater number of parents commit the simple transgression of shouting instructions at the players. While the coach often watches slack-jawed with dismay. Especially when the instructions show a gross ignorance of the strategic complexities of the game, the cognitive capacities of the kids, and everything the coach has taught them for the preceding three months of training.

Whether the instructions are well-intentioned or not, it's just wrong to do it. I won't get into it here. Most of my readers are already aware of how shouting instructions interferes with the ability of the kids to develop their own decision making capacities for the long term.

In recent discussions about "silent sidelines" in soccer (great concept), I mentioned to a couple of coaches that I have had good success with the parent contract that I get my team parents to sign at the start of every season. I call all of the parents to a meeting before the season begins, I hand out the contracts, I provide writing implements for signatures, and I get the parents to read through the contract line-by-line with me before collecting their signed contracts.

Asking for their signatures may seem a bit over the top, but trust me—when people have to provide their signature on a contract rather than simply "read over" a sheet of polite recommendations from the coach, they really pay attention. 

A couple a coaches have asked to see the parent contract that I use. I reproduce it below. Please note that this is an amalgam of my own writing and an excellent parent contract created by a young coach named Evan Peterson in Victoria a few years ago. He's an urban planner now but we'll forgive him that. 

Parent Contract

Conduct at Soccer Games & During the Season

As a parent spectator at my daughter’s soccer games, I will:

·       Remember that my daughter plays soccer for her own enjoyment, not mine;

·       Praise and emphasize my daughter’s effort, development, and skill over winning;

·       Relax and enjoy my daughter’s soccer games, regardless of the circumstances and the score;

·       Promote the emotional well-being of all players, and not simply the well-being of my daughter;

·       Make my comments and cheering supportive, as players already feel enough pressure;

·       Never yell a negative remark at any player, including my own daughter, for any reason;

·       Acknowledge good play from both my daughter’s team and the opposition team;

·       Never shout remarks that question the judgment or honesty of a referee or assistant referee;

·       Let the coaches do the coaching at every game and every practice;

·       Never shout instructions to players from the sidelines, under any circumstance:

o   For example, I will not shout "Shoot it!", "Pass it!", "What are you doing!?", "Kick it away!”

o   This even includes “intelligent” instructions such as "Go wide!", "Keep your head up!", "Cover her!", "Get back!", and "You’re offside!"

·       Offer simple, positive, supportive comments such as:

o   “Great passing!”, “Way to work, girls!”, “Great shot!”, “Nice try!”

·       Understand that young players need opportunities to practice decision making during games.

·       Recognize that the best way to learn decision making is to be permitted to make decisions, including “incorrect” decisions;

·       Understand that players do not develop their own decision making when I shout instructions;

·       Understand that professional athletes get yelled at all the time, but it is a negative distraction and arousal that they face in the context of having signed a multi-million dollar contract.

Furthermore, I will:

·       Speak first with the coach regarding any concerns I have about my daughter or the team, before I vocalize them on the sideline or to another parent;

·       Wait to discuss any concerns with the coach away from the field of play or outside of practice;

·       Feel free to approach the coach with any concerns regarding my daughter’s soccer. 

[Signature line for parents and guardians with date]  

* * * * *

There you have it. It can probably be tweaked and improved, but I can report that it has worked well thus far. 

I also like the idea of silent sidelines. I know there are some parents, and some youth club cultures, that really struggle with stifling inappropriate comments from the bleachers. Silent sidelines costs nothing and promises great outcomes. 

(Once the kids get into their mid-late teens and have developed the cognitive skills to filter some of the nonsense shouted from the stands, perhaps we can rejoin the screaming and yelling—if we still think it has any value.) 

Copyright © 2014 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved.