On Shame and Shaming

What were you thinking when you did that? There was little subtlety to my mother when it came to shaming her children. It wasn’t meant to be subtle. It was meant to be a birch switch.

I couldn’t answer her as a seven-year-old, barely on the cusp of the first inklings of moral reasoning, and I shouldn’t have had to. But today I'd be happy to attempt a response. 
 
Now I am an adult, and I have cognitive powers than I didn't possess at age seven. I have learned the value of hard self-inquiry. I have learned that I am not perfect, and though I am not required to be perfect, I have seen that it is possible to get better, and I want to get better. The shame that arises from my innate moral conscience helps me.
 
My dear mother was very adept at what is now called “shaming” and “guilting.” I know it came from the generations of orthodox religion that rested on her shoulders. It was also standard parenting practice in her time. I forgive her that. 
 
But she might be dismayed to see what has happened to the world. In North America certainly, the loose application of positive psychology has led many to believe that all sentiments of “shame” should be bypassed and avoided. Why? Because shame is uncomfortable. Even when it arises from our own thoughtful reflection, everything in our culture tells us that we should avoid discomfort. 
 
As a consequence we often avoid asking important questions of ourselves, and we deny ourselves meaningful insights that would lead us to greater wholeness and happiness. 
 
We need to make a distinction between shame and shaming. Shame is an emotion arising within us. Shaming is an activity of others who would seek to make us feel shame. Few people would advocate shaming. But shame itself can have moments of value. 
 
When we discover that we have acted or spoken in error, the shame that arises from our own moral conscience asks us to examine ourselves. This is eminently good. Self-examination leads to discovery, and discovery teaches us how to change for the better. It's hard to argue against becoming better.

Should we linger in shame and allow it to paralyze our will? Of course not. Once we have seen the error in our attitudes and behaviours, we should exercise the courage to fix things and move forward. It's what adults do. 

But we should never ignore an honest call to examine ourselves. When it's the voice of our own moral conscience, it can make us better people. 

* * * 

Note: If you struggle with chronic shame, it may be a sign of a much deeper issue that needs your attention. Don't be afraid to seek help from a professional counsellor, trusted spiritual advisor, or even the police if you face a present threat to your personal safety. It is not healthy or normal to live in constant shame, and no one deserves to.

Copyright © 2020 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved. 

Meditation: Calm your mind and your emotions

There have been worse crises in history. But the COVID-19 pandemic ranks pretty high.

Let’s be clear: Health workers and their patients face the toughest test everywhere in the world right now. 

The biggest problem for the rest of us is our own mental chatter. 

Our thoughts generate fear. Fear triggers the fight-or-flight response in our nervous system, and unless you are currently being chased by a Bengal tiger, this is not a useful response. It depresses your immune system, disrupts your relationships, muddles your thinking, and leads to poor decision-making. So you don’t want to succumb to fear.  

If you are suffering anxiety at present, or preoccupied with what the future may bring, you might want to try meditating. 

There are countless meditation techniques, but I will describe two simple approaches. 

First, Sit Comfortably Upright

1.     Start by finding a quiet space where you can sit without interruption. 

2.     Either sit normally on a chair, or if you prefer, sit with your legs crossed on your bed or sofa. (If you are sitting cross-legged, place a firm cushion or folded blanket under your seat, so your legs are somewhat lower than your tailbone.)

3.     Sit upright with your back straight. Not rigid and tense, but straight. 

4.     Draw your chin and head back, so your head is balanced on your shoulders and you are not straining to support your head. 

5.     Draw your shoulders back and rest your hands on top of your thighs, where your legs meet your hips. 

6.     Let your hands sit like two cups, palms facing upwards, fingers relaxed. 

Next, Practice 3-4 Calming Breaths

1.     Close your eyes and focus your attention at the point between your eyebrows.

2.     Start your meditation with 3-4 deep breaths as follows: 

3.     Inhale through your nose for a count of approximately 4-5 seconds. Imagine that you are inflating your belly first, then your lungs. 

4.     Hold the breath for approximately 5-8 seconds. As you hold the breath, tense all the muscles in your arms, legs, and abdomen. 

5.     Exhale the breath for a count of approximately 4-6 seconds, releasing the tension in your arms, legs, and abdomen as you exhale. 

6.     It is not important whether you exhale through your nose or your mouth. Do what feels comfortable to you.  

#1 Body Scan Meditation

1.     After the calming breaths, let your breathing find its own natural rhythm. You might feel comfortable continuing to inhale and exhale slowly, or you might feel comfortable breathing slightly faster. Follow what your body wants to do. 

2.     Begin your body scan by focusing your attention on the region below your belly button. What do you feel there? If there is tension, imagine that you are breathing “into” that place and releasing the tension. Maintain your attention and breathing there for one minute. 

3.     Next, put your attention on the region of your belly button. What do you feel there? If there is tension, breathe into it. Maintain your attention and breathing there for one minute. 

4.     Now put your attention on the region of your solar plexus, at the bottom of your chest sternum. Again, if you sense tension, breathe into it and feel yourself releasing it. Notice any tension in your shoulders at the same time. Do this for one minute. 

5.     Next, place your attention on your throat. Observe whether you feel any tightness there. Focus your breathing in that area for one minute. 

6.     Now focus your attention at the point between your eyebrows. If it helps to maintain your attention, imagine a small light there. Breathe into that point for one minute. 

7.     You have completed a basic body scan. You can stop meditating, or if you want to continue, you can do so. You can continue to focus on the point between your eyebrows, or you can revisit the other places that you already scanned. Follow what feels natural for you. 

#2 Self-Awareness Meditation

1.     This technique uses self-inquiry to help you to overcome major mental and emotional blockages and obsessions. You might feel a few of those presently. Repeat the body scan above, but now focus specifically on the places that hold the greatest tension.  

2.     As you focus on each location, ask yourself if there is an emotion attached to this tension. Is it fear? Anger? Sadness? Something else? 

3.     As you look at the emotion, you might become aware of other thoughts and feelings. You might feel uncomfortable. Try to continue. 

4.     What is the source of this emotion? Is it someone one you know? Is it a picture of your imagined future? Is it something else? 

5.     Breathe into that place of tension, releasing the emotion as you exhale. Forgive those whom you believe have hurt you. Visualize the future you desire. Send love to those you care about, whether they are living or passed on. 

6.     After your meditation, reflect on what you have discovered. What action can you take to create the best future? It could be anything. It could mean picking up groceries for an elderly neighbor. It might mean calling or texting a friend or relative to provide comfort at this time. It could simply mean making breakfast or doing the laundry. Take simple actions that are positive and helpful, despite any troubles that might be around you. 

Try to meditate at least once each day for a least 6-7 minutes. You might prefer to meditate in the morning, or the afternoon, or the evening, or all three. 

Three recommendations: Don’t meditate if you are overly tired, don’t meditate lying down, and try to meditate when your stomach isn’t too full. 

Meditation might feel difficult at first. Your attention will tend to wander on your first few attempts, but this is normal for everyone. 

Just imagine that you are going to the “gym” to exercise your mind. Give it a few days of regular practice. After a few days, you will find that it is steadily easier to meditate, and you will start to find greater calmness and clarity to face every difficulty that comes. 

Music and sound: 

To help your focus, and block unwanted noises, you might like to try meditating to music, nature sounds, or chanting. I like Relax Melodies for iPhone and iPad and Ambience for Android. 

Copyright © 2020 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved.