Verbal abuse and the quiet parent

Does verbal abuse make better athletes? I have spoken with at least one soccer parent who thinks so. Though admittedly, he didn't call it that. He called it "motivating his daughter". 

This revelation emerged when I asked this particular soccer dad how he felt about his 11-year-old daughter being coached by a man who is a renowned screamer on the sidelines, hurling abuse whenever his team makes a mistake in a game.   

(News flash for all Screamer Coaches out there: a lot of children make mistakes when learning their sport. Making mistakes is part of the process of human maturation from childhood to adulthood.) 

Occasionally, when the 11-year-old girls make a lot of mistakes, Screamer Coach shouts in the middle of the game, "I'm out of here!" with pronounced disgust. With the dramatic flourish of a professional soccer player in full swan dive in the penalty area, he gathers up his jacket and sports bag and leaves for his car, kicking a water bottle down the sideline and emitting a loud variation of "Harrumph!" as he goes.  

Cue perplexed expressions on parents and children. 

But he is still allowed to coach. Partly because he continues to have a minority group of supporters like Motivation Dad. Partly because the league organizers still think he is valuable as a volunteer. And largely because the majority group of Quiet Parents say nothing.  

Motivation Dad says he likes what Screamer Coach does for his daughter. Motivation Dad says she tends to lose focus otherwise. When Screamer Coach yells insults and deprecatory remarks at her and her teammates, she tends to run faster. She also tends to play even worst soccer, but that is of little importance. The important thing is that she looks motivated (if not a little desperate).  

I feel compassion for Screamer Coach. He has grown up in a sport culture that has long tolerated abusive coaching. I am willing to believe that he really doesn't see how wrong it is to verbally and mentally abuse children. But I wonder if parents at large, and our community as a entire collective, are ready to draw the line against behaviour like his.  

As a coach, I have seen how negative experiences with abusive adults can profoundly damage a child's progress athletically and socially.  

Can anything be done about it? Absolutely. Confront it. 

If you're a Quiet Parent, you probably don't like confrontation. Nobody does, but there are constructive ways of doing it. Here are my suggestions for confronting the Screamer Coach in your life: 

1) See Screamer Coach with compassion. I'm not joking. Screamer Coach, like all bullies, is probably a victim of abuse and/or neglect. (At some point, you may even want to help him seek professional counselling, but that is another subject beyond the scope of this blog post.)

2) Talk with Screamer Coach away from the children and away from the playing venue (e.g. the soccer field, the hockey rink, the baseball park) and make it clear that abusive language and behaviour is not acceptable in children's sport. Take another parent with you if you are afraid of Screamer Coach. You don't need to be disrespectful. Merely assertive and clear.   

3) If you are extremely afraid of Screamer Coach - as in, you think this person might be violent - talk with the team manager or assistant coach and ask them to relay your concern instead. Also ask them to reply to you afterwards with Screamer Coach's response.  

4) If you get no response, no acknowledgement, and no change in the behaviour of Screamer Coach, talk with the head administrator or president of your local sport club. 

5) If you get stonewalled by the head administrator or president of your local sport club, because Screamer Coach "really has a heart of gold" and "is a dedicated volunteer who gives freely of his time", point out that it doesn't give him the right to yell abusive or insulting remarks at your child.  

6) Having been stonewalled by the club or association, talk with your child about possibly quitting the activity. A lot of children don't understand that this is an option, so your child might look at you with grateful and bewildered surprise. (After all, we are surrounded in our popular culture by messages of "don't be a quitter" and many children may feel compelled to "tough it out" no matter how bad things get.)  
 
7) If your child indicates they would like to quit the activity, check if there is a neighbouring club in the same sport in your area and see if they have a decent program with qualified coaches who emphasize coaching, not abusive screaming. 

8) If there are no other clubs or opportunities to play that sport in your area, investigate other activities and sports programs that are available. Always look on the bright side - your child may discover a new pursuit that they love. Again, I'm not joking.

Still not satisfied? You might be interested to know that there are organizations and programs for eliminating abuse in children's sport. In Canada, one such organization is Justplay and the Justplay Behavior Management Program. 

The main thing to remember: you don't have to tolerate abusive coaches. All it takes is a little courage and the willingness to speak up on behalf of the kids.  

Copyright © 2013 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved. 

The secret in their eyes

I know parents who wonder why their kids drop out of sports, and coaches who lament the lack of creativity in our soccer players. Parents especially will sometimes ask me why. 

For me, it's really simple. The fun too often gets sucked out of the game for them through their early years, and they finally quit when they realize they're big enough to push back against mom and dad or the loud-mouth coach. 


Think about the word "play" for a minute, and then consider how it relates to "playing" a sport. Then consider this photo of a group of boys I met in Costa Rica when I went down to play in a Master's soccer tournament in April.  


I have shown this photo to a number of people. It always gets warm "oohs" and "aahs" and "they're so cute". One friend mused wistfully, "What is that twinkle in their eyes?"  

I think I can tell you, judging by the short game I had with these boys, together with my experiences playing soccer with kids elsewhere in Latin America: it's the uncorrupted joy of play. 

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. If that's true, then you're seeing joyful souls in these eyes.   

Sadly, that kind of joy is something that I've rarely seen in the eyes of Canadian kids past 5 years of age. And I've been coaching soccer for 15 years with teams from U6 to U21. Most often I see fear and self doubt. Slain spirits. Diminished souls. 

And not because the kids carry any personal regrets for missing a shot or losing a game. It's because they carry regrets for not pleasing the adults.  

What does it mean to play with joy? It means to play with the careless abandon that only comes when there is no sense that anyone is watching or evaluating. No parents screaming what to do, no coaches belittling you for missing the shot or failing to make the save. 

Latin America, at least what I've seen of it, is different from Canada and the United States in this regard. The adults in Latin America just watch with mild amusement as their kids play. They sit in the shade and smile quietly, murmur to each other. They know that this is children's play, and playing a game like soccer is as natural as breathing and eating and sleeping. 

Win, lose or draw, it doesn't matter. They know the kids learn as they make mistakes, and they know the kids get better the longer they play.  

One day when their children are in their late teens, the adults might start to take an interest in their team's win-loss record and their personal stats. But that's if their kids put on the shirt of a professional club or something close to it. 

Recently there has been a debate in parts of Canada around eliminating soccer league standings for divisions below U12. Hyper-competitive parents and coaches have come out of the woodwork to cry the warning: Our children will no longer learn how to compete. We will be raising a nation of wimps if we eliminate trophies and personal playing stats for 8 year olds.  

These people obviously haven't travelled to Costa Rica, or Chile, or Argentina, or any of the greatest hotbeds of talent development in soccer. Or if they have, they haven't spent anytime with kids there or playing soccer. 

Go watch any kids soccer game in the sandlots of Latin America. There are no trophies, no league standings and no coaches. But the kids compete ferociously. They play their hearts out. They know the game is about scoring goals, and they want to score goals. They want to win. And they don't need adults to tell them that.  

I hope anyone reading this will look at the photo above and take the message to heart. As adults, we don't need to yell at our kids or "teach them to compete". If you want your kids to have the chance to become great athletes, just support them with hugs and cheers, help them to find lots of opportunity to play, make sure they are getting positive coaching, and most importantly of all, make sure they are having FUN. 

Most often this means you just have to keep your mouth shut. Coaches too.  

I love looking at this photo. I love the twinkle in the eyes of these kids. It helps me remember.


Copyright © 2012 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved.