Saturday 28 November 2020

On Shame and Shaming


What were you thinking when you did that? There was little subtlety to my mother when it came to shaming her children. It wasn’t meant to be subtle. It was meant to be a birch switch.

I couldn’t answer her as a seven-year-old, barely on the cusp of the first inklings of moral reasoning, and I shouldn’t have had to. But today I'd be happy to attempt a response. 
 
Now I am an adult, and I have cognitive powers than I didn't possess at age seven. I have learned the value of hard self-inquiry. I have learned that I am not perfect, and though I am not required to be perfect, I have seen that it is possible to get better, and I want to get better. The shame that arises from my innate moral conscience helps me.
 
My dear mother was very adept at what is now called “shaming” and “guilting.” I know it came from the generations of orthodox religion that rested on her shoulders. It was also standard parenting practice in her time. I forgive her that. 
 
But she might be dismayed to see what has happened to the world. In North America certainly, the loose application of positive psychology has led many to believe that all sentiments of “shame” should be bypassed and avoided. Why? Because shame is uncomfortable. Even when it arises from our own thoughtful reflection, everything in our culture tells us that we should avoid discomfort. 
 
As a consequence we often avoid asking important questions of ourselves, and we deny ourselves meaningful insights that would lead us to greater wholeness and happiness. 
 
We need to make a distinction between shame and shaming. Shame is an emotion arising within us. Shaming is an activity of others who would seek to make us feel shame. Few people would advocate shaming. But shame itself can have moments of value. 
 
When we discover that we have acted or spoken in error, the shame that arises from our own moral conscience asks us to examine ourselves. This is eminently good. Self-examination leads to discovery, and discovery teaches us how to change for the better. It's hard to argue against becoming better.

Should we linger in shame and allow it to paralyze our will? Of course not. Once we have seen the error in our attitudes and behaviours, we should exercise the courage to fix things and move forward. It's what adults do. 

But we should never ignore an honest call to examine ourselves. When it's the voice of our own moral conscience, it can make us better people. 


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Note: If you struggle with chronic shame, it may be a sign of a much deeper issue that needs your attention. Don't be afraid to seek help from a professional counsellor, trusted spiritual advisor, or even the police if you face a present threat to your personal safety. It is not healthy or normal to live in constant shame, and no one deserves to.


Copyright © 2020 by Jim Grove. All rights reserved.